To the man who single handily and intentionally set out to destroy my heart.
I hope you are proud.
I have dwelled on this situation for months now.
Constant questions flood my mind.
But mostly its the one simple question.
Why me?
I still remember the first time we met.
You appeared at my work with a coffee as a kind gesture.
Naturally your smile and charm blew me away.
I was in absolute awe of you.
Then came the first date if you will.
You picked me up one friday and we sat for hours at the beach with coffee talking about nothing. And eventually you gestured a kiss.
A kiss that permanently put a grin on my face. A kiss that you only hear about in movies.
Why me?
Apon leaving the beach the gates had been locked and part of me felt excited at the possibility of being stuck in a car with you all night on a beach but that wasnt to happen. You see you calmly exited the car. You examined a small hill and some beams and you then did something i will never get out of my head. You maneuvered the car up and through the beams back up onto the road and right then and there my smile said it all..you had stolen my heart.
Why me?
Things seemed to slot into place so well when you announced you were going to be working meters from me.
We were constantly in each other’s eye sight and i loved it.
Every morning id rush to work not for my job but for the morning kiss that soon became a necessity in my daily routine.
Afternoon kisses before i left work soon became rides home most days.
Phone calls every night to say good night.
Why me?
You fit like a glove.
You made me feel so beautiful and wanted and like finally i belonged with someone.
Like nothing id ever felt before.
You made me invincible.
Why me?
But soon i realized everything never added up.
And soon i was to meet why.
Your fiance.
The women you live with.
The women i would envy for the rest of my life.
God how i envy her.
Why me?
You knew me inside out. I was always open and honest and some how like a bad dream i was left here.
Right here.
Alone.
Hurt.
Broken.
Absolutely destroyed down to the depths of my soul.
Why me?
Ive spent months trying to hate you.
But i cant.
When i see you now the butterflies are replaced by gut wrenching nausea.
My mind cannot even begin to comprehend why you picked me to destroy.
Me to lie to.
Me to make fall for you with no intention of ever being the one to catch me.
This isnt a letter of forgiveness because i never will forgive you.
This is me putting into writing what goes though my head every single day.
This is me trying to rid my mind of the demons that i fear will destroy me.
This is me on my knees praying that if there is a God he will finally free me of all this pain.
Because i cannot do this anymore.
I cannot bare the ache in my heart and the pain in my soul.
And i just cant find an answer.
Why me?